Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Thirteen
I saw Su bending down to hear Zahira better as she ushers the latter to the toilet. I watched with churning emotions as Dinah headed to Mas and they walked off together, Mas listening and Dinah clearly talking in distress. I looked down and walked off past them - past a lot of people - but no one bothered to say goodbye.
I am a lot of things. Muslimah, daughter, sister, friend, student. People praise me lots of times, often incorrectly: clever, funny, creative, a fast-reader and, once, cute. But I am no one's confidante. And I have never been described as kind, or good-hearted, or understanding.
True, no one has said I'm mean or harsh or cold-hearted. But still.
There must be a reason why no one confides in me, why no one looks for me in times of need. Do I babble secrets to others? I don't think so. Maybe it's just circumstance. Maybe it just so happens that they already have other people to confide in, so I'm left with no one, like the girl in PE who has no parter because everyone else is already paired off. I think the most probable reason is because I myself don't make an effort to
be a confidante (to have a friend, you have to first be a friend, right?), and even when I do, they're already taken. Is it luck? Or a result?
I guess if I'm to describe my feelings at that moment, as I walked off and left school alone - if I'm to describe my feelings in one word, it'd be .... sad. Kinda lonely-like. Made worst by the fact that there is no one to assign fault to beside circumstance, or luck, or chance, whichever you prefer. Perhaps the blame is one me and me alone. I certainly can't share the blame between me and my friends, because if I do, then there would be two people to forgive. And if I can't forgive myself, how the hell am I supposed to forgive them?
It bothered me that my prescence was not truly, I mean
truly truly-truly, needed. Walking home alone had never felt so lonely in my life. It's one thing to be surrounded by friends and still feel lonely (that's happened often enough). It's another to feel lonely
and be literally, alone.
The thought of not being a confidante still bothers me, but I'm not feeling as down as I was this evening - thankfully, I am typing all this down and still feeling okay. I'm gonna post this and see what happens. I may be embarrassed by this whole emo episode by tomorrow, but we'll see. If I do feel embarrassed, I'm taking this down but not out (nananana). This is something worth recalling.
I'm cool.
'Cos I got the cures for the blues.
Cures for the Blues(not in any order, and not stating the obvious such as Quraan and family. Like, DUH)
1. Psych
2. Spongebob
3. Foxtrot
4. Ellen
5. Jason Mraz
1:44 AM
